We will assume this is someone you've already met, reasonably attractive, not obviously a incompatible as far as socio-economic status, religious preference, ability to speak the local language, etc. I'm not looking for "I should have asked what species he was; I never dreamed I'd be engaged to a dolphin"--unless, of course, that actually happened to you.
If you have already been married, you could make it "I wish I'd asked...." or "I'm glad I asked....".
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I'll start off by saying that I've been married 21 years; I didn't ask any of these questions, but I'd have had a better idea what to expect if I had.
1. "How much time and money do you give to help people or non-profit organizations?" This is to see how self-oriented or other-oriented she is, and how many additional time commitments there will be.
2. "What are your preferences regarding sex?" If your fantasy involves chocolate sauce every night at midnight, you don't want to get married before you find out that he's allergic to chocolate, thinks once a month plenty, and is always asleep by 9pm. And if either of you is too embarrassed to discuss it, you'll have another set of problems.
3. "What has your average bank balance been over the past year?" Financial self discipline is important, and it doesn't matter how much you make if you spend every bit of it. I'd rather see someone making 30k and with 6k in the bank, than someone making 50k who's living paycheck to paycheck.
1. How do you feel about having children?
2. What do you want out of life?
3. How have you done so far?
I got blessed with a hypertrophied maternal instinct, hence number 1.
Number 2 explores aspirations, financial and otherwise, matters of sex and relationships, career.
Number 3 explores inner knowledge, one can have fine aspirations but lack the means to fulfil them. It also covers judgement and egotism.
I'd want a man who is kind, clever, funny, and most of all, a good father for my children.
I had to make some compromises there.... it's obvious in hindsight that I tried to be the kind of man that in a sane world, one where everything was as it should be, I would have married. Or rather, wanted to marry.
Like many women, I would probably have been landed with something that looked good, smelt good, tasted good, but was full of empty calories. And ended up divorced, no career, children to support, and wistfully thinking about might-have-beens.
Chris, your wife is a lucky woman. And you're bright enough to realise that you're a lucky man.
Hugs to you both, it's nice to share a planet with people like you two on it,
Zoe
I'm not sure if this should be pass/fail, best 2 out of 3, or 3-strikes-you're-out. But here are my three questions, depending on the girl. Edit as you see fit.
1. What prescription pharmaceuticals are you taking? Include dosage; list alphabetically.
2. If you were a crewman aboard the Starship Enterprise (TOS, TNG, DS9, VOY), which crewman would you be?
3. Aside from childbearing, what do you see as your purpose in life?
or
1. Will you marry me?
2. Why not?
3. Will my chances improve if I keep asking?
or
1. Is that your real name or your stage name?
2. How long have you been in this country?
3. Are those real?
or
1. How do you feel about camping?
2. How do you feel about handcuffs?
3. Who's Brian?
or
1. If you could live anywhere, where would you live?
2. What would you do while you were there?
3. Who would be there with you?
or
1. how do u feel abt ppl who txt?
2. Can you drive a stick?
3. When do you turn 18?
or I could sum it all up in one question:
What's the difference between a star and a planet?
I'll start by saying if I knew what the right 3 questions were, perhaps I wouldn't be operating on the Periodic Hindenburg Model.
1. What would you like me to change in order to be be the man you want me to be? (explores whether you are accepted as you are or she thinks you are some sort of fixer-upper that she's got to mould to her image of what she wants)
2. Do you want to have children with me? (I've become interested in this as I've aged and besides, the practice is enjoyable)
3. What will we name our first cat and our first dog? (To me, a house without a pet is not a home and people who don't feel the pull of dogs and cats, for reasons other than allergies, are just subtly askew)
Bonus Questions:
4. Who do you like best: Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher, Thomas Paine, or L. Neil Smith? (self explanatory...)
5. What was your favourite Sci-Fi novel and why? (If she hasn't read at least one or two, we really are in different realities)
6. In a cage match, who would win: Balrog or Hastur? (I don't know the answer, but I'd love to know!)
7. Are you hopeful about the future of the human race or fearful? (I'd want someone forward looking with optimism)
I left out the most important question, but that's because I can't see how to phrase it as a question. It's something I have to find out after knowing her for days or weeks or months. Does she have a sense of humour and does she laugh readily and often? Does she approach life with a joie de vivre? With this basic characteristic, a lot of lifes little and large challenges can be overcome or at least borne much more easily. That's my primary question now.
1. Do you mind if I drive your car? (This goes to trust first and foremost, the day-to-day unquestioning trust required to maintain a relationship. The reflexive "yes" is what you are looking for, then the questions about why you need the car can follow).
2. How far into your last marriage were you when you realized that things weren't right? (Unless there's been special circumstances the only acceptable answer is "immediately", anything else shows a disconnect).
3. How do you picture your retirement years? (The middle-aged equivalent of "What do you want to be when you grow up?").
Looking back, I'm not sure I would have asked the right questions prior to my first marriage, as — looking back — I was essentially deceived. Without going into the realm of TMI, asking "Are you doing this just to snare me?" is either not going to get you the right answer, or it's going to hurt an actual healthy relationship.
I've been married to Alana for 5.75 years. I found everything I needed to find out without asking the questions. The information just came through observation and good communication. I think if the lines of honest communication are open, you should get the answers to your questions.
On the other hand, there are days when I think I should have pointed to myself and asked her, "You want me? Are you nuts?"
I don't have really have any questions, I knew my future wife professionally for 3 years before we started dating and we lived together for 9 months before we got married. That being said:
1) Can you accept a joint bank account? (speaks to trust).
2) Are you willing to learn how to drive my car? Not many people drive manuals in Canada, I do and it demonstrates flexibility, ie she'll do something my way.
3) Will you peel oranges for me? I love oranges and I'm allergic to orange peels.
I highly recommend living together, although I only recommend it if you've already decided to take the plunge. I found that living together gave us a period to negotiate parts of our relationship and told me whether she'd put up with me and vice versa.
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