State of the Union 2010

The transcription of last night's State of the Union address:

America has had tough times before, and we're having a tough time now, which is Bush's fault. Therefore I am going to continue Bush's policies. I'm reducing taxes, getting tough on terrorists, and working with other nations to contain Iran. I'm also going to increase spending on clean energy while freezing spending; I'm going to cut taxes while raising them; and I'm going to concentrate on health care reform and cap and trade while focusing all my attention on the economy. Me, me, me. I haven't accomplished anything good this past year, but it's not my fault even though I had a majority in both houses; I wasn't actually trying to accomplish anything, which is why I kept scaring people with health care. The economy is turning around even though one in six people is unemployed and mortgage defaults are still going up. We've created two million jobs, two thirds of them in Congressional districts that don't exist. Everyone should have college degrees and green jobs and debt and be healthy but not rich because being rich is bad and taxable. I'm miffed at the Supreme Court for allowing foreigners to influence our elections, although that's not actually what SCOTUS did. And I'm annoyed by all you blockheads, Democrats and Republicans but mainly Republicans, for being divisive and partisan. If you really loved me, you wouldn't keep saying "no" to me. God bless everyone, especially me. The End.