A man related the story of his wife asking "Why do you love me?" He felt he loved her unconditionally, so he thought "I'd love you even if you weren't pretty or healthy or smart or wise; I'd love you even if you didn't sleep with me, take care of me, make money or handle the house." So, boiling all that down, he answered: "No reason." Of course, that didn't go over very well.
"Unconditional love" isn't really entirely unconditional. It takes a relationship.
A lot of times we think of unconditional love in the context of marriage, but that usually has conditions of some sort: "You have to be willing and able to sleep with me" or "you have to refrain from sleeping with anyone else" or "you have to provide me with the lifestyle to which I'd like to become accustomed" or "you have to compliment me and buy me presents on my birthday and Valentines and our anniversary--you have to love me the way I want you to." So it might be better to think of it in a different context--a brother, for instance, or a daughter.
You'd love your daughter regardless of whether she got involved in destructive relationships, or was broke or addicted or paralyzed, or didn't share any of your interests, or lived in another country, or converted to another religion. You'd sacrifice for her not because of what she can do--she doesn't even have to thank you, much less love you in return--but because of who she is. But you wouldn't love some unnamed person in Uzbekistan or Peru, because you can't--there's no relationship there.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
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2 comments:
I think I disagree with you. Quelle surprise.
I think that what most relationships require is investment (time, energy, emotion, etc) and signs that the other person matters to you. Neglect those in any relationship and it will fail.
The bond of parents and children is hard-wired to be close - it has evolutionary advantages for the species. That's not a matter of any underlying 'love' as much as of the chemical wiring of the human toward their offspring. If you could come up with a chemical suppressant, you'd see this bond evaporate I suspect.
And I think you can love someone in Peru or Uzbekistan. There is a relationship there, if you choose to think about it. You all live on the same single world. You are all of the same single species. There are basic humanities you share. But it does require a certain level of perception and a certain philosophy of life to do this.
An aikidoka, for instance, should really be about unniversal love and the extension of same to all. Even the more violent parts of the martial art are really meant to show a love and concern for your fellow man. And the spirit that should be engendered is one of projecting warmth and love to all, because doing so makes the world a much better place. It may seem like a concious choice rather than unconditional love, but I'm not sure all of love isn't some form of choice. Choosing to think a certain way about things and people doesn't make it any less genuine.
Relationships require an investment but it doesn't have to be reciprocal. You can love someone who doesn't love you back; you can choose to sacrifice for someone who doesn't even say "Thanks", much less sacrifice for you. You make the choice, and then the sacrifices that follow lend emotional weight to the decision.
I suspect the reason the parent loves a child is at least partly because of what the parent gives up for the child--such as time and energy.
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